Tag Archives: mental health

Seeking

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In Colorado, one does not plant pretty things (or anything, really) until after Mother’s Day.

Last week, we had a snowstorm that closed several schools and districts. Not mine. Depending on where you park your car at night, there were reports of snow from four inches or more to wet attempts at something sticking to the ground. The irises that popped too soon were pretty for the half-second they had in bloom before the frost froze them, smacking them down with its cold fingers, forcing them to try again next year. A tree in my backyard is considering whether it should even bother — it had leaves it had worked hard to create, and the frost mocked them into submission, forcing them to either fall or hang there, humiliated.

I seek beauty in my mulch beds. Color, growth, and progress. I seek an understanding, no matter how rudimentary, of how a garden grows: what plants to plant where and when so that the other plantings are happy and grow and not get overrun, and get enough sun but not too much, and water too, but not too much. I seek community amongst the greenery, things that play well together, support one another, and a space that allows everyone to shine.

There are only a few weeks of school left, and every moment of clarity and confidence I have experienced this school year is currently overshadowed by criticism, from others and from myself, cryptic commentary that I’m not sure what to do with, and condescension from those who don’t understand the intricacies of this work. I seek to release what doesn’t serve me so that I can find a bit of peace.

I don’t claim to be an expert on being a leader. There are people who make millions because they have marketed themselves in a way that makes people believe they know what they’re talking about, that their systems work, and that they have expertise no one else has. I do not pretend to be that person.

Leadership is hard…and the learning is constant. Every time you find something you actually know, twenty-seven more things you don’t know anything about show up and expect you to learn them too…often immediately.

And the inner critic screams in exasperation, “HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT ALREADY? Oh my gawwwwd!”

Leadership isn’t getting people to do what you want them to do. It’s creating spaces where they can play nicely with others, support others, and ask for it themselves while accomplishing the necessary work well.

Leadership isn’t about making demands of people with the expectation that they’ll do them without question. It’s building trust so that when there is an ask, those receiving it feel confident they can do it or know they can ask questions.

Leadership isn’t about taking on everything by yourself, so no one else has to be uncomfortable or so that it’s done “right,” though some believe that is the role of leaders — to take on everything people don’t want to do, so they can do the one thing they want to do. It’s gathering a group with varied talents and interests to support the things that need to get done, that need to get addressed… Leadership is partnering with the right people so that the uncomfortable is supported, and what people want to do is a given.

I acknowledge that I make mistakes… multiple mistakes… every day. It’s what I do when I have realized I made a mistake that matters. It’s not always immediate, but if you think I don’t have a running list, you don’t know me very well.

Brene Brown wrote somewhere that integrity is choosing courage over comfort. Leadership is inherently uncomfortable on its face and deep down beneath all its layers — anyone who says it isn’t lies…and probably has very little integrity. Leading with integrity requires courage. Sometimes it’s just the courage to get up and try again. Sometimes it’s the courage to say, wait…I need some time to process. Sometimes it’s the courage to do the unpopular thing, the thing that will bring criticism because someone wasn’t consulted, notified, or didn’t get what they wanted. Sometimes courage is the tree in my backyard, contemplating whether to try again anyway.

I am not an entrepreneur. I don’t have it in me to build something from scratch. I like things that work, and I enjoy refinement. I like creating and developing offshoots of existing things that benefit others and can grow with the support of others… not to take over the garden or completely redo it, but to help support it, making it healthier and prettier.

I seek beauty in my mulch beds…and good health that allows everything to grow in ways that complement everything else.

Burst Bubbles

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Most of us, even as adults, can remember times when things didn’t go the way we’d hoped. He didn’t call, a test went badly, we didn’t get the job or the promotion, Santa didn’t bring the gift we’d asked for, our stimulus check had to pay for something un-fun and adult-y.

We’ve all had our bubbles burst in one way or another.

The same happens to our kids. The teacher’s reaction isn’t what we hoped (think that scene in A Christmas Story when Ralphie gets a C on his “What I Want for Christmas” theme paper). Our peers aren’t as interested in something we’re passionate about. We’re taught to advocate for ourselves and able to talk with one teacher, and the next nixes any discussion of our ideas and requires that we simply comply, telling our parents we’re disrespectful.

So how are we teaching our kids to cope when the burst bubbles come in waves, one after another and seem to never end? Do we tell them to suck it up, Buttercup? Do we tell them that everyone encounters setbacks and to get over it? Or do we help them talk it through to get at the meat of what the burst bubble really IS?

My hope is that it’s the latter. It’s not the lost opportunity, the disappointment, or the impact of someone else’s disregard that is bothering our kids, it’s what the things they hoped for represent:

Someone seeing them as special…or just SEEING them at all.

Someone latching on to the “fish” for connection.

Someone noticing that they tried and did the hard things even if it didn’t go well.

Someone respecting them enough to see their side of things and at least consider their ideas.

All kids want to be noticed, seen, and respected. For gifted kids though, their school experience is often one of being either overlooked by adults and peers or criticized for moving too fast, talking too much, being too sensitive, not being good at everything, or not doing the things they’re asked because they don’t see the point or need more direction or support. Getting at the heart of a burst bubble situation is an area of growth for many of our tall poppies because so often what’s on the surface isn’t the problem at all…it’s just a symptom.

For those who work with, parent, or support gifted kids in any way, start asking questions when a child comes to you upset that something didn’t go the way they hoped. Why was that thing important? Ask them to name the feelings around it–would they have felt accomplished, happy, worthy if it had gone well? Would it have changed a relationship? Would it have proven something to themselves?

The burst bubbles for gifted kids are often multi-dimensional and full of nooks and crannies that are worth exploring.