Tag Archives: education

Quiet

Education Funding, Gifted, Leadership, , , , , , ,

I have been quiet, a friend noted on one of my socials, and they said they hadn’t seen much of me in their feed in a while; they missed me. They weren’t wrong. I said I’d been quiet, not elaborating on why; I missed them too.

I have been quiet. I have spent a long time, many months, in introspection trying to figure out who I am again. Find my voice.

There’s a huge learning curve to beginning again. Everything you thought you knew goes out the window, and the skills you learn by doing take a long time to become second nature while you second-guess every move you make, every word you say, every step you take.

I’ve been afraid to say much the last several months, if I’m honest. The vagueness with which I’ve typically written was purposeful, in part because specifics didn’t matter–giftedness and the issues that go along with it aren’t specific to the people I serve or even the experiences that I have as a gifted adult. Many gifted people have similar enough experiences that it resonates regardless.

My life over the last nearly twenty years has revolved around my work in the gifted education space. I set that part of myself aside for a bit in order to address the lack of knowledge I felt I had as a school leader. When I went home at night, I replayed the day, much as I imagine a coach does after a game, looking at every play for where things went wrong and opportunities that were missed–where had I missed a signal, a subtle movement that would have alerted me to what was to come next. Some stood out like bright pink doors in a sea of earth-toned HOA-controlled homes. Others were sleight-of-hand movements, coins disappearing between knuckles while flutters of fingers distract the eye.

Negativity bias is easy–it’s so easy to see the things that go wrong, especially after the fact. And it’s easy to hear the complaints–they’re loud and the cacophony is impossible to ignore. After a while, they blend together, a common chorus of words from ghosts from the past insinuating that I’m in water above my head.

The water has been exactly at my head. And it recedes like the tide after a while.

And so I have been quiet. The fear of judgment is greater than the need to be heard or ask for help sometimes.

And there is fear, not only that I will be judged or targeted. And that using my voice will impact the kids, families, and other people I serve adversely.

The voice of my father about “those damn rabble-rousers” getting what they deserve is loud. They were seeking social change that would allow equality where it hadn’t existed before and he struggled with that…he knew it was needed, agreed it should happen, but wanted it to be less…loud and forced. He taught me to stay quiet… Quiet lets you keep your job, your home, your family. Quiet fixes it so no one knows who you are.

But I can’t stay quiet.

We were gifted a five-day weekend by the Universe the day after the election. I wasn’t mad about it. I had a lot to process and more to figure out about how to best support the people I serve and handle what I knew would be coming. Regardless of which direction the election had gone, there was going to be fallout. There were glimpses of what it might look like over the last several years, and some had been directed at me by people who don’t know me…we’ve never met beyond the walls of where I work and some have never met me at all.

But I can’t stay quiet. Everything I do and say as a school leader is scrutinized, from what topics came up in the course of a lesson on optics to why the hand-holds on the climbing wall are the colors they are to what company makes the crayons students are provided and who the parent company of that company is and how it’s connected to a tiny country somewhere in the far reaches of the ocean someone doesn’t like because they don’t agree with something the leader did or said ten years ago… But I have concerns…and they impact my school life very much.

I have concerns about how things will play out. I worry about what will happen with gifted education over the course of the next four years and beyond–the impacts of this election to all of education are concerning. “It’ll be wonderful, wait and see!” isn’t something that I am comfortable doing. Someone today told me I should “educate myself.” I did a fair bit of that before I voted, thanks…and that’s exactly why I’m worried.

I’m concerned that teachers just starting out or thinking about it will leave… The changes proposed by some local governments about what is allowed to be taught in schools eliminates important information and skills that teachers know is accurate and necessary that kids should know before they go off into the world. And changes to higher education may complicate the path to going to school to be a teacher even more.

I worry that likely changes to education funding will eliminate teaching positions and even whole departments designed to support populations of students in need of specialized instruction and the students they’re designed to serve will suffer. Training for teachers is needed, and it’s not free. Support for kids takes people…and they aren’t free either.

I worry most about our kids–gifted kids see and experience the world differently, and I’m concerned that those differences will be forced underground by those who demand blind compliance. Thinking outside the box, advocating for their needs and the needs of others, seeking justice…all things we’ve worked so hard to teach them are important parts of who they are and are valuable skills…might be lost. Is some of this thinking catastrophic? Maybe… but I’ve already lived with the “everyone must be doing the same thing at the same time” and “there’s no room for differentiation up” kind of required teaching. The damage that does is catastrophic to kids (and adults) who need the space to scratch both sides of their brains…

Knowing what I can and cannot say, what topics are verboten and which are allowed in this role, even in my own personal spaces is difficult…once something is out in the world, it’s out there. Education in our country is impacted by politics, like it or not.

To live an authentic life is to take risks and live with integrity… I can’t do that if I’m quiet.

Controlling the Unknown

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I’m over the virtual meetings.

I’m over hangout and social media chats.

I’m over strings of emails with one sentence responses and overlapping questions because we can’t just walk down the hall and have a damn conversation to fix a problem.

I’m over discussion of yet more education budget cuts and possible layoffs and hybrid in-person and distance learning and maintaining social distancing with five-year-olds and memos put out by people who last saw a classroom when they were in elementary school telling educators how school should look next year.

I’m tired of virtual happy hours and webinars.

I’m tired of being mentally and emotionally exhausted every day before it’s even begun.

A friend said it best this week when we were texting to find a time for a virtual happy hour. She said some days are better than others, but she hated having to be socially and physically distant from others. And she hated having no control over her future. That’s exactly it. That’s the crux of what is wrong for so many of us right now. I see my neighbors more (not altogether a bad thing) but never see the people I love. I don’t know what the future holds and that’s scary.

We’ve released from school, and technically summer break has started though it doesn’t feel, once again, as though it’s a break. My heart hurts, literally, for all the unknowns we’re left with and the lack of control that any of us have on our future. I can’t design what I want coaching to look like with people next year because I have no idea what my position will look like in the fall. I can’t plan marketing because who knows how we’ll be allowed to interact. All of the possibilities being discussed are mind-boggling and I can’t wrap my head around how any of them could actually work.

Small businesses and restaurants and breweries aren’t sure how much longer than they can stay afloat without in-person sales without restrictions and dine-in/drink-in options, and employees don’t know if they’ll have jobs to go back to when they do open up completely–on the one hand, they don’t want to take another position but on the other they need a job. Parents who have already been laid off or furloughed are worried about finding work, and unemployment will only last so long. Whole industries have been impacted by this, and those who don’t need financial support have managed to get their hands on it with no trouble, while those who do need it can’t even get an application to ask for it. Seems the rules change for those who have, and those who have not are again, stuck having not. And I hate that inequity.

We have little control right now over much at all and it’s frustrating. You can’t control the unknown, especially when you aren’t the one in a decision-making position. I got to choose wall colors for my office this week (Pollen Powder and Yam, for the record) and for a moment that was enough. Then a thousand other things I have no control over spilled out over the past few days and so much of what I feel is…sad, I guess.

Someone said in a virtual meetup that liquor sales have gone up significantly since all this began and I believe it. I know I have a fairly good part of my fridge dedicated to my liquor of choice. I say I drink socially (which generally is the case), but when you can’t be social…well, one crowler has to be consumed at a time (I will not be my mother and put tin foil over my beer to “save” it for tomorrow.) and I can say I’m supporting a small business.

And then there’s existential angst that comes up when you’re alone so much and you begin to doubt your worth. The beer does not stop the thinking.

I have four fairly big projects going for the summer, all of which have their own unique set of unknowns, and my ability to complete them successfully is a huge concern. Do I know enough? Am I doing it right? Was I really the right person for this?

Imposter syndrome is real, and it shows up in the gifted population with significantly more frequency than that of neurotypical people. I’m sure there’s statistics…but I don’t want to hunt them down right now. Everyone has doubts, but those in the gifted population run deeper and are more complex. I’ve watched it happen. I’ve experienced it. We worry less about how we’ll be perceived than how our success will impact others and the greater good. I think about my kids who have graduated both high school and 8th grade this year, and cannot even begin to imagine what they are going through right ow with all the unknowns on their plates.

I get so angry when I hear or see people spouting complete untruths about the impact of this virus on people. When they go on about how it’s all a hoax. When they say that masks are unnecessary. When they say that we’re all overreacting. So let’s assume it’s all a hoax and we are overreacting–that doesn’t mean the impact of it has changed or lessened. Families have been destroyed through the death of loved ones. How we view our society has changed. How we view education has changed. How we support our students and families has changed. And how we support one another has changed…and that hurts most of all.

I got caught up watching Jersey Shore over the past several weeks (no judgement…it’s as mindless as one can get and I’m fully aware I’m losing brain cells.) One of the people on the show left for a time due to anxiety, and when he came back, he was sporting a tattoo that said “Let Go, Let God.” He got it to remember that he is in control of his actions, but not the outcome. I’m not a really religious person by any stretch of the imagination, but I have to believe that something greater than myself is at work here.

Things I know are that I get to work with a brilliant team of educators who want only the best for our kids. I get to partner with others in a variety of organizations who want the best for kids and their families. I have wonderful mentors to rely on when I don’t know the answers. I have friends and family I can lean on when it hurts too much. Eventually the clouds clear (unless you live in the PNW and then it’s a crapshoot if they’ll clear or not). Everything has a season. People come into your life for a reason or a season…every interaction is a lesson of some sort and if we need more practice, the interaction continues to be presented.

I can’t control the unknown, no matter how hard I try. I have no intention of giving up, but I can mellow out about it a little and let go… The clouds will clear. And the storm will pass.